Changing The Way I Parent

Changing the way I parent.

This is probably the first of at least a few articles I will write about this topic. The parenting journey hasn’t always been easy for me.

Most of the difficulty surrounding just one topic- discipline. I found breastfeeding challenging when I had sore nipples and even more so when I had a baby who a) wouldn’t eat solid foods well past 12 months and b) he bit me EVERY time he nursed until the week before his first birthday- that is another story I will cover very soon!

Nor was EC overly hard as I knew it was the very best most natural way to take care of my babies personal hygiene. Or getting baby to sleep. No, the BABY stage was very do able.

I came from a moderately sized family with 5 kids and I was the second born giving me 3 younger siblings- I know babies. Intimately. I was one of the rare mothers who didn’t ask a single question when she had just had her first baby because I already knew the answers, the midwife supposed to be looking after me post birth felt guilty because she only checked me once per day! That is not to say I had a perfect birth- I didn’t and I also ended up with PND following it- just stating that when it comes to baby care I know how to bring up a baby.  

However I have always struggled with big emotions, I don’t do meltdowns well and when met with defiance I automatically moved to spank. Why? Because it was all I knew as a child.

First off I would like to point out that I do not hate, harbour resentment or think my parents did a bad job. They did their best, they did it in love and they did what THEY knew. I am pretty sure that my grandparents and great-grandparents also did what they KNEW.

I am certain that those generations of strict discipline meant daily and repeated spanking as a deterrent for poor behaviour, poor performance, incentive to do their chores, stay in bed, eat their dinner, been seen and not heard, to clean their room.. the list is endless.

I love my parents. Back to me now.

Before I was a parent I knew I wanted to be a natural mama, I knew I would breastfeed, let baby sleep with me if he was scared, I knew I didn’t want to SMACK. But wanting to avoid spanking and knowing what to do INSTEAD are two different things. I find most parents these days are in the same boat, some giving up avoiding the slap on the buttocks and posting memes to encourage themselves that THEY where smacked and turned out okay so their children will be OKAY. These memes say things like they drank out of the hose, played outside the back yard til sunset mostly positive things then get to “and if I got out of line my parents spanked my behind, I didn’t fear them but I damned well respected them”

I bought this line of thinking for a while. What utter rubbish that it is. I was NOT okay, I was easily manipulated and submissive in the wrong ways and I had no way of letting out big emotions with grace, in a healthy way. Nope, I’d just end up melting down- An adult tantrum. I had no way of dealing with conflict other than to be the controller or the controlled. And man did I hate it.

Okay enough of what a “bad mother” I had the potential of being and on to what is wrong with punitive parenting. And then on to how I (recently) had a breakthrough and the changes it has immediately made in my life.

Here’s the thing, effective parenting and, more specifically, effective discipline, doesn’t require punishment. Linking discipline with punishment is an unfortunate, but common misconception. The root word in discipline is actually disciple which means to guide, teach, lead, encourage and model,. In the noun form disciple means one who embraces the teaching of, follows the example of, and models their life after.


On the other hand, the root word in punishment is the Latin word punire which means to chastise, castigate, penalize, humiliate, inflict harm.

Punitive doesn’t really fit in now does it? When Discipline means teach and disciple means follow? That means that the follower is willingly, learning and following their teacher- they aren’t being forced, bound, gagged and dragged behind them. Punishment directly separates children from their teacher. Right when they need them the most. And here’s the worst part of it- it doesn’t work in the long run. It will control the child while they are small, or while they’re right in your line of sight but when push comes to shove it won’t stop them if you don’t know about it. It will never control the person nor teach them self control.

It is the ultimate short term gain long term loss. Even methods involving taking belongings away or giving extra chores doesn’t really work. No Punishment ALWAYS escalates.

I was already noticing with my strong willed three and a half year old. The idea that spanking occasionally so long as it wasn’t all the time was incorrect because it became all the time. He would not be ruled. And so he lost his toys, his bed time stories, his snacks, his dvd time, and I still ended up smacking because he. Would. Not. Stop.

I was hoarse from yelling, I was sad from being angry all the time and my jaw hurt from clenching my teeth and I am certain I chipped a tooth or two. My hand stung from stinging his thigh and I was still nowhere in getting the behavior I desired. I only had a child who truly believed he couldn’t come to me with a problem and so would resort to trying to solve it himself which usually involved hitting his little brother or some other child or breaking something while trying to fix it or move it.

But I didn’t know what else to do. So I decided to start small. I addressed first the yelling. I would no longer yell. I even wrote up a few pages of what I would do instead of yelling. It worked, having the physical write up- in view on my wall stemmed the angry flow of words responsible for so much hurt in our house hold. I was far from perfect for the first week or two, Edison and Kicky also began to “detox” and many things were acted out- testing to see what would happen. There were tears, there was grief and there were behavioural issues.

But with my commitment to being reasonable with each incident healed an unknown rift, the issues lessened. But I was still spanking occasionally and whenever I did things almost went back to the start. The smacks had to stop. But what could I do? These were calm pre-meditated spankings. I wasn’t doing it as a knee jerk reaction. I decided to Google.

It took a while but eventually I came to L.R. Knosts’ site. And decided to give her ideas a try. I won’t put all of it down because that wouldn’t be fair to her and there are many articles there for your own reading.  

but here’s the basic three C’s and a link back to her site:

http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/09/30/practical-gentl-effective-discipline/

Connect- when they’re ready for you to hold them give them a cuddle. 

Communicate- they’re people you can talk about it. Calmly.

Cooperate- help them to make it right and know what to do next time.

What happened as a result of this change was apparent in just a few days, I know because my children came and cuddled with me more. They also came to me quickly to resolve disputes, they came to me when they were sad or hurt. They. Came. To. Me.

Gone was the constant look of heart break and fear from my eldest childs face, he had been living in this the longest after all and the baby has only just really started testing. He randomly came and said “I love you mummy” and would hug me at the same time. He became rather cooperative provided I didn’t just drop a new activity on him like a bomb. And he started to tell the truth rather than lie about hitting his brother, instead of smacking to deter him from doing it again I asked him why it was wrong, how HE could make it better and what he should do next time. My being disappointed and telling him how I was feeling was enough to make his remorseful. He hates disappointing me and he loves that he has the hope in making things right. And most importantly- he remembers much of the time.

How has Kicky been affected? He’s more peaceful, the tantrums are few and far between. When he hits out of frustration or because he’s out of sorts from tiredness or something I can’t work out I firmly but careful so as not to hurt him grab his chubby hand and say “gentle” and stroke his cheek lightly. He will of course learn this through repetition as he’s a toddler but usually he lays his head on my chest and cuddles in. He says sorry. He is repentant and we go and take care of his needs.

The children are thriving on it. They learn respect through being shown it, they learn boundaries when they have to fix them, through natural consequences and through making it right again. No record of wrongs is kept. There is no score. They are answering when their name is called and getting themselves in their car seats.

And we’re only a few weeks in. I’ve no doubt that we will be tried and tested again and again. That’s what this parenting gig is. But I know that working together WE my husband and our children can get through it- no punishment needed.