Calm Down

A few months back I wrote a post on Parenting Paralysis and another on what attachment is. This post is an elaboration of those two posts and has to do with:

• Identifying information that is too extreme at either end of the spectrum (when even the experts take things too far.)
• why we need to take a deep breath and actually EVALUATE the information we are given and acknowledge that often the writer is not a doctor or an educator and merely has an OPINION that they are voicing rather loudly.
• Why we shouldn't sweat the small stuff and when we SHOULD simply leave it out for no other reason than because it's irreversible and will make an impact on the child throughout their entire life (AKA not actually a parenting decision)

So this all started because of a certain blog spamming my timeline to be completely honest. A blog that not only is very "hardline" my way or the high way kind of content but also not even 100% correct.

The writer has no real experience with the subjects they are apparently convinced are harmful (pacifiers are bad, Elimination Communication is bad, baby seats are bad, toilet training conventionally is bad, giving directed activities is bad.. lots and lots "everything is bad" or you shall permanently screw your child up if you do things differently kind of dialogue. No room for compromise)

And the mama's and papa's out there are just gobbling it up like tic-tacs. To make things fair before I started writing this post I made sure to read EVERY blog post on parenting from this individual that I had time for. Most of them left me quite peeved. Worse still I have to listen to those who latch onto every "fad" out there harp on about how marvelous this person is.

How does the writer get so many people on their side? They use words like "respect my baby" and "child-led" and "nature's pacifier" (thumb over pacifier) and other things that sound very hippy dippy and harmonizing but there's nothing truly harmonizing about the messages.

Before I continue I am going to let you know that while the next part of my post may sound very un-crunchy I am a natural crunchy mama with a side of common sense. I had natural births, I nursed for two years and beyond including a 7 month tandem nursing stint before my eldest gave up nursing and am still nursing my two year old. I question vaccines and I am 1, 000, 000% pro-intact. I wear my babies, co-sleep if they want to, practice extended rear facing and we eat 99% whole foods. Yup, I tick the crunchy box.

So here's the message here: common sense, continuing to pick on this writer though others may also agree with them.. I'll go through the listed subjects there are many more but then this would be the longest post ever:

pacifier use: believes it to be bad because the baby "is not in control of his/her sucking needs and the pacifier can be taken away before they are ready or may emotionally damage the child some how

The reality- you cannot force a baby to suck a pacifier. If they do not want a pacifier they will not take one. So if they have a pacifier it's because they LIKE it so no it won't emotionally damage them. As for the "taking it away from them or the baby not having control over their sucking needs how about wording it like this: "if you use a pacifier let the baby decide when and how long they will use it." It gets the same message across and isn't judgmental. If a pacifier helps a parent to cope don't tell them they're wrong.. go all out and buy them some spares!

Elimination Communication: the writer has never done this practice but believes that babies have better things to do than stopping to go potty and that doing this will hinder a baby's learning and developmental milestones and may emotionally damage them.

The reality- more than HALF the world babies never wear a nappy in their lives and are potty trained before age one year. if Elimination Communication was harmful then more than half the world would be seriously screwed up. The writer should stick to what they actually have experience in.

Which also brings us to Conventional Toilet Training where the writer believes that the CHILD should initiate the potty training and be in control of when and where they go potty and when they are done with nappies.

Now since I work in child care, I have to say is the most ridiculous thing ever, Kids very very rarely hold up a sign and say "okay I'm done with nappies I want to use the toilet!" and not everyone WANTS to change nappies until a child is 3-5 years of age!

After speaking to quite a few people in mental health I can ascertain that nobody has been permanently emotionally or mentally damaged by being taught to use the potty at ANY age. So if you want to do the whole "wait til they're ready" thing then good luck but I'll be here with my EC baby all done with nappies before they are walking thank you very much"

Adult Directed Activities: This one is a grey area because as an educator we always give children a choice of three different activities they can do and let them expand on it by themselves and I am all for delight based learning and practice un-schooling with my own children. BUT children DO still need to be able to follow directions every now and then and so having group story times, organized games like Simon Says and some craft ideas and other organized experiences is very important so that the children are exposed to variety (and learn some impulse control). Can't love it til you try it!

The reality- Sorry but children are born vulnerable and ignorant if they knew all they needed to know then they would be born able to care for themselves, children need guidance, as long as children are given the option to sit out if they would prefer and just watch there is nothing wrong with age appropriate adult directed activities. It can be collaborative just don't force the issue.

breastfeeding: They go on about breastfeeding like it's some "holy grail" and people who choose not to breastfeed are inferior or even negligent. While I agree with them that breastfeeding is the normal way to nourish your baby and what babies are born expecting I have got to say this once and for all "Breastfeeding is a PARENTING CHOICE as it affects both the mother and the child. Who the heck are we to decide how a woman will nourish her child. We can give her information (if she's interested if not then seriously just shut up) and we can encourage her to nurse her baby but in the end we (collective we) have absolutely no right to tell her what to do with HER body.

The reality- As long as the parents are loving and attentive the baby will still get everything they need to grow up and become a healthy functioning adult. They may not do quite as well as their nursing counterparts but we have no right to question her. She owes no one an explanation whether it's a medical condition or just that she plain doesn't WANT to and it is unacceptable to ask. Just be a dear and warm a bottle for her.

There are only a few exceptions to the parenting choice rule of thumb and that is when it will affect a person their entire life. CIO, spanking and RIC are all prime examples of this as all are scientifically proven to be TRAUMATIC and cause lasting damage. With CIO and spanking leaving psychological damage and RIC resulting in permanent body alteration, higher cortisol levels, lowered pain thresh hold, interrupts breastfeeding relationships and permanently removes a persons ability to choose for themselves whether or not they wish to have their body altered. Remember MY BODY MY CHOICE it's important.

But even with this exception we have not got the right to harass a parent over it. We should give them the right information, and then shut up (not always easy) because our getting worked up will certainly not change the outcome. And lets face it if the deed is already done our being aggressive will just make the person feel shitty and defensive. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

So why should we be careful about the "experts" we take notice of? because for one they're not always right and two if there's no room for compromise then they move from objectivity to advocacy and that is just bad science.

We've got to do something some time. If we find ourselves stopping and unable to do anything except hold a screaming baby while we try to work out what the heck we CAN do because we're too worried about doing something wrong (parental paralysis) then believe me- it's a cult, a fad.. the bar is not achievable and the information/relationship is toxic. Take a breath, baby won't break if you put them in a baby swing or on an activity mat while you regroup. They are resilient little people. Calm Down.

Public Schools- how did things get so bad?

I was researching schools and childcare centers with MC because I am looking to work in one. I wanted to see how the prospective new place of employment was faring and what their philosophies and goals are. Great apparently. I have great respect for the Reggio Emilia philosophy and the statistics backed up the approach really well. MOST of the children were in the ABOVE AVERAGE range. The school, Kindergarten and Childcare are all intimate with no more than 33 children per room and adequate staffing to make sure they are all supported on their learning journeys.. the campus is beautifully located in the outer limits of the town with a bush block owned by the school for kids to explore nature, learn risk assessment and have the time of their lives adventuring, stunning grounds around the office blocks and playgrounds for the children to really move their bodies and bring them to their optimum physical development. Also I can bring my children with me though of course it will mean a deduction in pay- to have my kids with me while earning money and doing what I love- pure awesomeness.

But then I broke my own heart. I had no idea it would until after I did it. I looked up my old school. My old Primary school, the object of my own personal torment until I was removed.

A few years ago what I saw would not have affected me. A few years ago I may even have been pleased. All the children of my bullies, all the children in the school actually. Like ALL of them, they're failing. 72% are in the Lowest quadrant. 22% in the below average quadrant and just 5% in the average range. Only 5% were passing and not well. Just. Barely. Scraping. By.

I felt a knot form in my throat. How did it get so bad? Even when I was attending (almost 2 decades ago) kids were at least passing. Now there was literally no hope. They were done before they entered kindergarten.

I didn't have to think long about that question. The answers were many and rather obvious. First is a lack of funding. Our Government gives funds based on performance with the poorer performers getting a bit more but there's only 49 kids. They still can't afford the programs that might really help them and other funds come from parents and donors the parents can't afford to spend more and as for donations- No performance no money.

The next is socioeconomic reasons. Every one of the 49 children attending this school are disadvantaged they have NO ACCESS to tutors and their own parents who (more than likely) attended the same school and did almost as poorly as their own children are doing now are unable to teach them because they don't understand the homework themselves. Many cannot be bothered with homework because doing their homework never helped them so why should it help their kids? They're also too busy working shifts in factories and chicken farms to scratch out a living to support their families- where's the TIME to help their kids?

The third reason is a lack of nurturing. Am I saying the parents don't love their kids? no I believe they love them as intensely as I love my own children. However you can only give what you have and generation after generation of lack leaves some severe issues in the family dynamics and parent/child interactions.

Since becoming certified I've learned to pick it in about 3 sentences and two body movements. Particularly when the parent says "youse or ay?" I know immediately that they didn't do very well in the education system and also that they have a certain persona that they project as a defensive mechanism. Can I blame them? absolutely no. This is how they protect themselves. Except they aren't protecting themselves from an enemy. They're protecting themselves from their children. Children who need to be connected. Which leads to misunderstanding and no idea of what normal child behavior is.

This in turn leads to insecurities and insecurity to behavioral issues which usually lead to the parent yelling and or spanking- because it is all they knew growing up. And this leads to more miscommunication, more insecurity and more parental frustration.. which then follows the child will act out at school also. And then these children will do the same. It's a vicious cycle.

And let us not forget that the people running the show are clearly having administrative/structural issues. Without good organization and the resources to oil the "machine" even the best teachers will not make a difference because the teachers will not be able to teach.

So what do we do? I say we bring back the village. Can we teach a skill? why not volunteer to teach it? good at reading? writing? Maths? It's time for the community to take back it's responsibilities- the kids are OUR KIDS. every last one of them. And it's unforgivable that we leave them behind to simply become the next batch of farm hands and factory workers.  They deserve better than that. I truly believe that every child is just one caring adult away from being a success story.

Will I take the job opportunity? maybe.. but I do keep coming back to this conundrum. It's a real pickle since there is no easy fix. But if you come to morning reading you may just see me there, it's a start.

Dances with Edison

This story really began a few months back when Edison decided that he could no longer tolerate being in "the baby class" (church creche) and at the tender age of three years and nine months demanded that he be moved up with the "big kids" (Sunday school/ seriously groovy dancers) at first I just tried to placate him on the issue fairly certain that he would not be permitted since the youngest child in the class above him was six and a half.

But after many discussions with Edison involving him stating "I'm a big boy I need to be with the big kids.. I am big enough!!!!!" I talked with the teachers. Who happily allowed him in provided he was happy and participating which was a surprise and a learning curve as Edison had to demonstrate a new attention span and also cope with more instructions and all round structure. He was buddied up with a nine year old girl to help him and he did well.

But until last Sunday he had never actually participated in the church groups performances. He'd just "tagged along" But a couple weeks ago he learned a dance with the other children and a proud moment for any parent happened- the teacher asked him to come and perform with some of the others. He was so excited that he spent the next week practicing every chance he had. I practiced with him as I would have to go up too if he needed me. We were pretty ready for his first dance by the time Sunday came around again.

The big morning happened and Edison nailed his rehearsal and was over excited that he was going to be "up front" with an audience. We moved to the main church hall and sat in the front with the other dancers. Just waiting for the performance to be announced and then the kids would go up.

What happened while we were supposed to be sitting there waiting is something I will never forget.

I managed to get someone to video the performance but should have gotten the rehearsal as he nailed it there but kinda choked on the actual show.. but before the show.. this Lady named Hannah was reading out notices and we while were waiting for our part to begin and Edison jumped up there where she could see him out of the corner of her eye and he was free style dancing to her words.. what do you call that interpretive?? anyways it was provocative and very very funny esp when Kicky jumped up with him and started copying. I could have grabbed them but they may have screamed so I left them there. And I scowled at them then buried my face laughing trying not to let them see.

The little rascals kept it up until it was time for the dance while poor Hannah, managed to keep a straight face while everyone else was smirking at Edison and Kicky. Luckily she was most certainly seeing his actions as hilarious.

When we got up to dance though- He wouldn't go on without me he decided- Poor Edison was so wired and nervous that he forgot some of his moves and looked like the typical little tyke struggling to keep up with the others.

To make matters worse Kicky had to join us as MC had to go to work on a call out and thus no one was there to hold him. And he quickly discovered the communion table, laden with grape juice and crackers and decided that now, mid dance was the perfect time to snack on said holy emblems. So between trying to dance and defending the communion it was a very interesting fifteen minutes for me.. Edison just focused on remembering his motions like a good little performer.. then we carried a squirmy Kicky back to our seats.

Having Writers Block.

This is a post about nothing. I've logged on and had nothing to really cover in great length each and everyday. Oh things are happening. Just nothing truly news worthy or even anything I could talk about in great detail.

I could talk about the Child Care Rebate being cut and thus working mothers are taking home as little as $3:50 per hour after paying their child care bills (throw in the rising fuel costs and going to work is costing them money not making money) But that's really the long and the short of it right there.

I could write about Edison and his dance- which granted was hilarious on the day but hardly worth writing an entire article about. (I am going to put up a short post about it though since it was freaking gold!) And I could write about his fourth birthday party being a disaster since no one could make it because they all had Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.. but again that's it. No interesting facts or figures it just was.

Or I could talk about our chickens not making it after birds with lice were introduced to the flock and they looked fine one moment and then keeled over the next but that's exactly what happened, nothing really interesting there. We have one sole survivor in a smaller coop while we work out if we will fumigate and reuse the original coop or tear it down and rebuild.

I could write about Kinder Gym or Healthy Families except that I can only write about my own children thanks to confidentiality clauses and there's only so much I'd be willing to write down about it. Lets face it my kids may not appreciate that later in life.

And of course I could write about some random "hot button" topic (put suggestions in the comments if you'd genuinely like to hear my point of view on a topic and I'll do my best to accommodate as I love to know what it is YOU my readers would like to read about!!)

Ok so.. stay tuned for a story about Edison dancing... 

A fourth birthday letter to Edison.

To My Dearest Edison.

It finally happened. Thursday, not just any Thursday June 5th. My eldest child turned four. My little "big boy" has finally grown out of the "Older Toddler" stage and into the fully fledged "Small Child" stage.

I remember your birth like it was yesterday. Labor was days long, Baby bigger than average, unwanted interventions galore and a rocky start but still a natural birth and we found ourselves eventually getting to know each other though through months of PND and little hiccups as we learned to navigate the medical system, learning our rights and responsibilities and wishing we'd bothered to learn them before your birth so I knew I could say "no thank you" and learning the phrase "they let me" is just as dis empowering as "they wouldn't let me" oh by the time I had Kicky I was ready for them I only wish I'd known before. But you were still here my Edison and I love, celebrate and treasure you.

We learned together how to filter through any and all options and we learned the niceties of the education system because main stream education has never been a comfortable thing for me; though Daddy still would like you to attend school at some stage we're going to follow your lead there and for now you're doing well with Home Kindergarten. When you're ready we'll ask your thoughts on it.

We've seen you through your highest highs such as when you triumphantly learned to read simple childrens books or ride a bike and your lowest lows when you had a trampoline accident and broke your leg and I stayed with you throughout your hospital stay despite just having had surgery myself I slept on a cot next to your bed and Kicky came along too while Daddy valiantly worked, fed our animals and watered our vegetable gardens. Because we're all in it together little one.

I've watched as you've made friends and navigated the social circles we are in. Working out what you can get away with, what you cannot and what makes others happy. I've watched you mentor your little brother, showing him the way so he has it easier than you did- and also letting him tag a long as your partner in crime! I've watched as like me your love of animals has simply grown and you've come to me with birds with broken wings and sick rabbits and helped wash dogs. The local veterinary clinic knows you well and you melt their hearts when you asked to help them feed and cuddle homeless kittens.

I watched your red hair grow long and unruly and then I watched the day you decided you wanted to get it cut and picked a photograph and showed it to their hair dresser and she replicated it for you. You've kept the same hair cut all by yourself ever since deciding that this is "your look" telling me when you need it cut again.You're a very self determining boy. I love your confidence.

I love how you are like your dad and have an affinity for technology- you certainly didn't inherit that from me but one of us needs to be able to work the home appliances and computer programs! Maybe one day I'll watch you enough to learn how myself.

You've been "working" collecting bottles and cans for extra money for seven months and have never failed to find at least fifty bottles and cans before depot day each week. You take your "job" so seriously. But you're a master saver and haven't yet spent your money preferring to put it in the bank and watch the numbers go up.

Daddy and I have seen your challenges too and we're here with you when you face them. You can do anything my Edison. We aren't in a hurry to see you grown though we know you are, Don't be discouraged sooner than you can imagine you will be. I've yet to see the challenge you've not been able to accomplish. And we will be here, doing our very best to love, guide and help you.

Unconditionally love Mum (and Dad).

My Huge Parenting Fail.

Last Thursday afternoon was busy, like really super busy, my mum came over and we had a chat and I stressed a little about a visit we were having and wanted to clean. My mum bless her heart dropped everything and we did lots of cleaning. it was hard work and when the visitors arrived we both felt a bit grungy.

The visit went really well and we had fun. About an hour later the visitors said goodbye and we were alone in the house. I bummed around on Facebook for a little while as I unwound myself I became more and more aware that I wanted a body shower to get rid of the excess sweat and grime.

Kicky was asleep in my bed and Edison was playing with his Lego. I locked the front door and dead-bolted it. Then locked the back door. Edison asked me for a snack and I replied that I would be making our evening meal as soon as I had a little shower and would rather that he waited a little while and had his tea.

I got in the shower. All seemed well at first but then I heard my phone ring once and realized that I couldn't hear Edison. There was a draft blowing into our house. I dressed quickly not alarmed yet but surprised at the cool wind. As I pulled my clothes back on I called for Edison. No answer. I hurried and got everything on and headed out the bathroom door. Worried now. The front door had a childrens table in front of it and the door was swung wide open.

I hurried through it to Edison running towards me, with no pants on and mud caked all over his bare legs. He was crying and screaming and when I asked him where Kicky was he exclaimed "kicky is gone! people got him!" I ran out the driveway to look for him leaving Edison crying and running behind me. About 100M down the road two cars were stopped. One I recognized and one I did not. A neighbor (the owner of the car I knew) was holding Kicky. "They were half way down the bloody Road and nearly got hit by a road train!" she shouted to me as I neared.

I explained I was in the shower and took Kicky from her. Thanking them for stopping and getting the boys. It was over. I felt shaken and furious. I was so angry with Edison I could barely speak. He had woken Kicky up and taken him outside and down the road! I asked him why he did that and he told me "I wanted to go to the shop for hot chips" I told him to never do that again without me. Visibly shaken he just nodded.

I gave them a hug and a bath and then after I dressed them I put them straight in the car. I stopped by the hardware store and bought a slide bolt and padlocks. I wasn't willing to go another minute without them.

After the hardware shop I bought a take away for tea, I was too stressed to think about cooking.

This incident happened in moments. All I did was shower. It could have ended very badly indeed.
I am so grateful to our community for stepping in and helping when they couldn't see me with my children. That they knew us and didn't call the police not that the police wouldn't have been understanding.

So I guess this is a "service post" to remind us all that when we are going to be distracted or otherwise unavailable: take them with you, get a friend to sit with them or padlock the door. Don't take the risk of them managing themselves. besides if you shower with them then you don't have to give them a bath.

Kid Radars and Cold Toast

This is a story backtracking to when Kicky was a very young infant and Edison was just barely two years old. It doesn't seem that long ago.


I hate cold food, there I said it. I love all sorts of food but frankly I intensely dislike cold food that's supposed to be hot OR food that has been reheated.

Further more I could swear kids have a "mother is eating radar"  (also doubles as a mother showering, on phone or in the middle of sex radar)

And this radar is subject directly in proportion to A, how much I like the food and B, how quickly the food will cool down or warm up depending on what it is and how much I will hate the reheated version.

Today I was preparing a late breakfast because it was 9AM and the kids had managed to keep me busy for the past 3 hours by asking me for random stuff. WELL I wasn't gonna be caught out this time.

I had sliced my cheese and had the butter open and ready and the put the toast in the toaster. All was quiet with Kicky napping and Edison playing just outside the door in the sandbox. Bliss.

Toast popped and I immediately got it ready. About to take first bite of delicious hot cheese toast when I hear a tiny complaint from Nicholas direction, I ignore it he's not dying. That must've displeased someone because only seconds later an agonizing scream erupted from outside and made me drop the toast and race out there as fast as I could. Edison. COVERED in bull ants.
 
(Ants not usually this close to home they'd found a corpse our cat put there overnight)
I picked him up double time as they stung us both repeatedly and put him in the shower- clothes and all then stripped him down. They where everywhere. Even in his pants. I honestly can say when I became a mother I never pictured picking ants off of baby genitals And when they sting it feels like fire. I can only imagine how much this hurt him.
 
Poor Edison. Eventually his screaming stops and he's just whimpering in the cold water of the shower, crisis over I turn off the tap and wrap him lightly in a towel then let him go be naked for a few minutes.. 

while I eat my cold toast.

The End.