What Is Attachment?

Most people have heard of attachment parenting. Many people are now practicing this "old method" and most people think that it began again in our culture with Dr Sears and his books. Really they think it started there! And they think that in order to be an attachment parent one must follow all the Baby B's to the letter and if you don't then your a bad parent. Seriously if you don't believe me go to an attachment parenting forum and propose sleep training for you infant or ask what brand of stroller is best..

But what those of us who are actually certified in childrens services know is this.. It began well before Dr Sears. Wonderful as he is he isn't the "inventor" of this line of thinking. No, the genius behind it was Erik Erikson. He was a German-born American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst known for his theory on psychosocial development of human beings. He may be most famous for coining the phrase identity crisis.

Although Erikson lacked even a bachelor's degree, he served as a professor at prominent institutions such as Harvard and Yale. It was this guys work that led Hoffman and Powell to develop the concept "the circle of security" this actually just means that your child is well bonded to you and is happy to leave your arms and explore their world knowing that at anytime they need help, are frightened or lonely they can run back to their parent or caregiver and know that all will be well. That's it. The Attachment theory is just a fancy way of saying a baby that has it's needs met is secure and happy.

Now the ancient history lesson is over lets go through the B's, but know this: You can do ALL the B's and still have an insecure child if adult behavior is inconsistent and or radically subject to change AND you can do NONE of the baby B's and still have a bonded, secure well attached baby. Provided that you the parent are consistent, even tempered and loving. 

The Baby B's ARE helpful to attachment and bonding but they're NOT essential and a parent who chooses to do something a little different shouldn't feel guilty about it so long as their child is safe, healthy and secure enough to be happy. While I am NOT going to impune any of the baby B's I am going to look at them realistically.  Here they are:

1. Birth bonding

The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture

The truth: YES bonding at birth IS important BUT is also isn't always possible, in an imperfect world such as ours things happen, perhaps baby lands in NICU after being born blue and needs intensive care, perhaps they arrived by C-section and mama was put under a general and won't meet them until she wakes up hours later, maybe everything went fine and then the midwife or doctor just didn't hand them over for ages because they just got on with their jobs and wanted to get both mother and child cleaned up, weighed, scored, stitched, measured ect. (this last description is somewhat what happened with my first birth) maybe you were bombarded with guests and didn't get ANY alone time with your baby.

All of these things suck. But you CAN and WILL eventually bond to baby. If we didn't then ADOPTION would be impossible. So many mothers carry this guilt that "their birth wasn't perfect" (I know I did) it's time to ditch the shoulda coulda wouldas and the guilt. What happened happened. it was bad and nothing will change the possible feelings of loss and maybe even of being surgically raped and you have every right to feel that way. But it doesn't mean that the rest can't be great; feel what you feel then let it go. It's perfectly okay to mourn the birth you didn't get but make sure you still celebrate the baby you have, they're here aren't they? they need you to focus on the NOW.

In fact this is what Dr Sears says on birth bonding if it wasn't possible:  

sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute “critical period” or a “now-or-never” relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart.

SO BREATHE AND ONTO THE NEXT B:

2. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is an exercise in baby reading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby’s cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breast milk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

HOWEVER it isn't what bonds you to baby. What gets baby the most bonding is EYE CONTACT. Babies actually kinda "scan" the eyes of an adult. If the pupil dilates then the baby relaxes, coos and happily goes to that person. If the eyes do not the baby senses the person is not empathetic to them and may start to cry. Mothers eyes tend to dilate immediately during breastfeeding and eating together is how most humans bond. Feeding your baby with a bottle can be just as loving and while NO formula is as beneficial as breast milk- it won't make your baby less bonded provided they are snuggled close and fed by their parent and not propped up with pillows and left. Open your shirt and give them some skin to skin contact to mimic breast feeding and relax with them. Some mothers are just in a better head space when bottle feeding while others physically cannot breast feed. they do not need to feel bad for it.

THE NEXT ONE IS:

3. Baby-wearing

A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Baby-wearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity.

This is totally true, babies benefit from and learn while being carried. BUT if you're experiencing back issues because your little darling is too heavy or the carrier is ill-fitting it's okay to use a stroller some of the time. Many older toddlers actually love being in a stroller. Don't sacrifice your back forever because you think your baby will suffer, the reason strollers where invented was to save your back. So while you're looking for a new carrier that suits you better or your back is sore- use a stroller if it helps for your 6 month+ as long as it doesn't upset them (babies below 6 months are typically easier to wear as they don't weigh much the problems usually start closer to the 6-12 month mark but by this age they actually like looking at something other than mama's face or back) and they will learn just as much in your arms as they will in a sling. Just put them where they can see what you're doing- you could even sit on the floor with them so they can see! I mean really.. since when have we seen an African woman carrying her baby while she cooks.. nope she carries them when she needs to only. She's cooking around a campfire- they can see without being in her arms or a sling.

NUMBER 4 IS:

4. Bedding close to baby

Wherever all family members get the best night’s sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

 I don't need to add to this, Co-sleeping works great for some parents but not for others and neither way is right or wrong. If sleeping with you kid is hell- gently transition them to their own bed nearby and then in their own room and don't feel guilty about it.*

*Just make sure it's the same for everyone. If one kid is in your bed you can't say no to the others and if your putting your older child in their own bed then a younger child should be in their bed too. (or explain that babies live in mama and papas bed and then they get their own room when they're bigger and give special big sibling privileges but don't have the younger child still in your bed at age 5 when your older child was forced to stay in his own bed at age 3. he'll notice and it won't be the fact he's in his own bed that bothers him, it'll be the fact that his sibling is still with mama when he wasn't. which may make him think you love his sibling more than you love him. let him back in your bed if he wants. No matter what you choose equal treatment is what works) 

AND ONTO #5

5. Belief in the language value of your baby’s cry

A baby’s cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby’s cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby’s needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate.

TRUTH! that is all. there is never a time when it is OK to Cry It Out. If it was YOU crying, scared and unhappy and your partner ignored you it wouldn't make you very secure and your partner would most certainly be held in disdain by all other adults if they heard about it. If it's not okay for an adult then it definitely isn't okay for a baby.  However if you need to get more rest try something like "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and remember that fussing/grizzling isn't the same as distress. It's ok to set them down for a little bit where they can see you and help them to learn to self settle- with you there. If it turns into a full throated roar-listen to your baby. He/She is an individual, what works for one may not work for another. Something isn't right. Make sure you work it out and comfort them while you do. Keep their circle of security intact.

NEXT IS:

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This “convenience” parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

you read that right. extreme Parenting Styles? There are TWO ends to every scale. While YES you SHOULD be wary of those who tell you to leave your baby in a crib to cry all night you should ALSO be vigilant about the other end. Those people who are so rigid in their own dogma that they'd rather you suffer and hate your child than you try something different. These people are just as big a Jerks as the cry-it-out-crowd. IGNORE THEM.

BECAUSE THE LAST BABY B IS:

7. Balance

In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it’s easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” and having the wisdom to say “yes” to yourself when you need help.

AT NO POINT does Dr Sears say: you must be a martyr, You MUST DO THIS *insert topic*. because it's unrealistic and families are all so unique that more than likely not all of them will be applicable to every parent.

Well that's it for me today I'll probably go into this again at some point. I may even change my
mind on some things as I do in the presence of new information. enjoy your day. You are a great parent to a phenomenal family. To view the Dr Sears Baby B's yourself use this address:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/attachment-parenting/what-ap-7-baby-bs


Thank you Dr sears and Erik Erickson.

Edison and Odie, A Progress Report

You may recall my post about listening to the well oiled door, Well it's been just over a week and I thought I'd write about how that is going;


After making sure I acknowledged every sighted positive interaction between Edison and our dog for a few days I took another step: I put Edison in charge of the dog.

He is now responsible for walking the dog, feeding, filling the water bowl and grooming. He also puts the dog to bed in the laundry before he goes to bed himself. If he forgets anything I remind him but I've only needed to do so a couple times. For a 3 year and 8 months old boy he's done incredibly well.

I've gotten to see a transformation in the pair. What love "looks like" between a boy and his dog. Each morning we go for our walk and Edison carefully puts the halter and leash on Odie, he never pulls him along but leads him. Gently.

The idea came to me when Edison, unprompted by me realized that Odie was thirsty and got a drink for him in a little bowl. And he went back and forth filling it until the dog stopped drinking the water. It was an epiphany at the time but now it's kinda obvious.

If a child is having issues with something- make them involved. If it's a new baby get them to fetch nappies or a burp cloth, let them hold the baby while sitting in a rocker or on the floor.. Perhaps like in our case it's a pet- feed the kitty or walk the dog.

Maybe the problem is getting dressed- what ever the problem ask them to help you. Make them the hero. Tell them about what you want to do for the day. Maybe you could even ask them what THEY would like to do if you don't have anything pressing.

Instead of trying to "get around them" while cleaning the house give them simple chores to do while you do the big stuff. They can fold tea towels and face washers while you do the shirts, pants and skirts. Perhaps a 3-5 year old can sort and fold the socks together. Let them dry the plastic dishes and the butter knives, forks and spoons. You could even give them a go at washing the safe dishes.

Get them to be your "little chef" and peel the carrots and potatoes, let them butter their own toast (and for an extra confidence boost ask them to butter yours too) pour their own drinks and let them serve you and their siblings.

Tell them what you DO want, not what you don't if at all possible. Saying "no" is important but it's equally important to give them an escape by letting them know what they can do to correct things.

What about going to Child Care? My kids aren't in child care but if this is a necessity in your family life there are certainly ways you can prepare them for a longer separation. Give them something of yours to wear/ look after, talk about what you'll do together afterward when you collect them (and then make sure you do it). Talk about their friends at Child Care and their teachers so they have something to look forward to. And when you leave say good bye, give them a cuddle and leave promptly. 

Basically this is the "Involvement Technique" from "SuperNanny" and let me tell you IT WORKS.

Of course sometimes they need reminding (and more than once I've had to say "Odie is NOT a pony if you sit on his back you'll hurt him please hop off him") but these times get fewer and further between, after all when your three years old you aren't going to remember all the time. Even adults don't get it right all the time. So we need to remind ourselves of that when we are seeing what can only look like regression. And then it's over and we move on.

Potty Strikes- what they are and how to survive them

Potty Strike is an EC term for a child whose parents are practicing EC to describe a phenomenon where the child will suddenly refuse most if not all attempts to potty them.

Here's how this looks: parents are lovingly offering their little one potty oppertunities regularly through the day, all is going well.. just when it seems their child has really "gotten it" and pees/poops on request and cues when mama and papa have forgotten. then suddenly...


THEY RESIST! they arch their backs when mama tries to potty them.. an offer of the toilet or even moving them towards the receptacle might make them scream, they get off as soon as they're sat on the pot or they "stand" over it instead.. there could be many more examples but you get it.. baby suddenly doesn't want to go potty.

Here's the other thing though- they also don't want to go in their pants. They aren't frightened of the potty though some may think they are. No, usually one of these things has happened and it's totally fixable:

#1 CAUSE- milestones.. it's no coincidence that "potty strikes" most often happen when baby starts rolling, crawling/bum scooting, walking, talking or any other thing that requires skill. 

It's not that they don't want to potty; it's that they don't want to stop their practicing to go potty. So what to do?

HANG IN THERE MAMA AND PAPA!! stay the course! Do NOT change anything except HOW you offer the potty. If they're all interested in what they're doing bring the potty to them or allow them to take the toy they're playing with along to the potty. maybe offer a distraction toy that's a potty only toy. But taking the pot to them is easiest.

Also try using some natural timing to boost your success rate: if they just woke up- potty. If baby's had a drink or a meal wait 5-10 minutes and you guessed it- potty! using generic timing and natural timing will most often work better in this situation because baby is too preoccupied to give you any signals.

#2 CAUSE- making life all potty AKA "hovering"

this is often characterized with a baby who still goes poop on the potty and maybe one or two pees but has begun to withhold pee and then has an accident.

THE REASON: when your baby was a sweet little newborn his/her bladder was smaller than a ping pong ball. But at 6-12 months this is no longer the case!

THE SOLUTION: If you're offering you older baby too many potty ops it can drive them crazy and lead to pee everywhere as your older baby rebels. This is a messy but easy to fix problem- offer the potty less.

here's how and it DOES involve misses, put a pair of well fitting trainers or a fitted nappy on baby without a cover. let them either cue to potty or wet it but don't offer the potty op unless they cue. write down the time they peed and then change them straight away. wait til they either miss or cue again. write down that time, change them immediately and then go back to your times and work out how long they went between pees. This is your new generic timing range.

Don't be tempted to let them be naked as there is then no reason to cue and they'll likely "just go". Be aware that they may be preoccupied and so set a timer on your watch, phone, oven.. whatever and when it goes off offer them a potty op if they haven't signaled yet.

and again use some natural timing such as when they wake, after a feed etc.

#3 CAUSE- Traveling or some other major change (family illness/loss, new baby)

THE REASON: babies are creatures of habit, they thrive on routine and well.. they're out of their routine and they don't like it.

THE SOLUTION: try to be prepared before you go away. Bring your own potty- it's amazing how many babies will happily go on your big toilet but then put them on a public one and they totally lose it.

Make sure you know when and how you are going to offer your baby his/her potty. Lastly use a nappy back-up while your out.

Everything is new and interesting and scary. give your baby a bit of leeway as new places can cause big emotional upsets. A baby can go from sleeping well, pottying well, babbling and eating everything that is offered to constipated and snotty in a matter of minutes when they realize they're not going home to their own beds that night and so be well aware that a potty strike could last the entirety of your trip and then you could come home and it could be all back to normal immediately or within a few days.

#4 CAUSE- Illness. This one is a no brainer, and well all you can do is wait it out. offer your baby the potty if they're happy to go but don't push it.

THE SOLUTION: once they're well go back to your usual routine and let them ease back in. Don't think to much about any misses they have over the next week or so depending on how sick they were it'll have really knocked them around. just go slow and they'll be back to undies in no time.


Of course there ARE more reasons for a potty strike but these four are the most common. And the last thing I want to say is take heart, it happens to everyone and potty strikes do not last forever. Stay the course and they will usually even out again on their own.