Listening To The Well Oiled Door

There's an old saying that "no one listens to a well oiled door" and it's true we tend not to notice the good things until they are no longer good and they have turned into a "squeaky door" so it is often times with parenting.

So this is a story about me, my eldest son, our dog and listening to the proverbial door.

Edison is normally a very well behaved, mellow fellow. He dislikes all conflict and is happy to just go with the flow. So you can imagine my surprise when he started to be rough with our old dog Odie, taking every opportunity to make the dog yelp. He was doing it up to 50 times a day and it went on for weeks and weeks.

It got so bad that I considered giving the dog away for his safety- but that wouldn't fix the problem. Eddie would still do it- just to another dog.. one that might not be as even tempered and gentle, leading to getting bitten or at the very least making me very unpopular with the said dogs owner.

I'd powered up on him in the usual gentle parenting ways. Calmly (didn't feel calm) and gently (wanted to snap him in half) and told him he had to apologize, gave him time-ins, gave his toys time-outs and counting to myself to avoid screaming at him when he did it again. immediately.

A little bit of a "flash back" is that we are trying to refinance our home, as a result I've been quite busy and stressed out not to mention exhausted and it has made me even more irritated that I had to stop what I was doing to rescue the dog from the "mean little boy" my son had mysteriously turned into.

It came to a head yesterday when he picked Odie up by the tail. I moved like lightening and got the dog off of him but when the doggie was still crying after being put down I felt rage, pure unadulterated rage. And I grabbed his hand and slapped it, and yelled "DON'T YOU HURT THE DOG ANYMORE YOU MEAN LITTLE SHIT!!" I am not proud of that and I'd rather I didn't have to say it but it happened and I won't lie about it.

The slap had not been very hard, it hadn't even stung my fingers or left a mark on Edison's hand. But he looked up at me like I'd told him I was leaving and no one loved him.

He sat down and started to cry then rose up and began punching Kicky who had innocently walked by; oblivious to what had happened to his brother.

I rescued the now screaming one year old and I went to my room and had a scream myself. I didn't do too well and the slap on the hand had only made things worse, Edison was now being openly aggressive and for more than two hours he continued his trail of destruction regardless of my talking to him or trying anything at all.

I retreated to my bedroom unable to quell his rebellion without beating him to a pulp I had to sit and do a rewind. I called my mum and chatted with her for a bit. New to this way of parenting herself she was supportive and nonjudgmental about the smack and reminded me that I was smacked and I forgave her. Edison would too.

Going over everything that was happening I realized that each time he'd done something I'd been ignoring him, not intentionally, just intent on my own projects and schedules and so if he wasn't making noise then I wasn't paying attention.

Then it all clicked, the dog was a bell, he was hurting the dog because as soon as I heard that animal yelp I was right there, immediately and I was giving him attention. It was negative attention but it was ATTENTION. And I knew what to do.

The answer was a double edged sword. When next he hurt Odie or Kicky I said firmly and quickly "oh we don't hurt others!" without even looking at him. no eye contact. and I picked up the dog or the baby and I went and did something irresistibly fun with the offended party. this way he got NO ATTENTION for the poor behavior. So it was no longer useful and he left the dog alone.

The other part though is more important: I listened to the well oiled door. Watching carefully I acknowledged and approved of everything Edison did that was good. Now I know that AP warns against praising children but really they're talking about "over-praising" remember one of the Baby B's is BALANCE. I didn't jump up and down and clap but I did say "look how nice you are to Odie/Kicky" or "wow that's a great picture, good job"

And I made sure that I listened to his stories without glancing at the clock or belittling his successes or failures. I brought him closer than close and kept him there.

It took less than a day and he was having a better time and so was I. Bedtime was a struggle as it has been for a few weeks now as their body clocks are all out of whack and Edison is now an expert at bringing me back with excuses. I have to work on that because I did get impatient and angry when he continued to do it and eventually recognized that if I went back then he would keep doing it so instead I ended up ignoring his little stunts completely and surprise surprise he was asleep a little while later.

So there you have it. Listening to the well oiled door.