The Parental Paralysis Epidemic

Every single parent sometimes questions their decisions in life. Especially the decisions that involve their children. But what I've noticed is this "second guessing" is wildly contagious. And it is utterly crippling for those afflicted.


A parent makes a decision to potty train earlier than recommended or maybe practice Elimination Communication, mentions it on social media: cue a flood of well meaning but paranoid individuals commenting in concern for the emotional well being if the child. Perhaps co-sleeping isn't working out for them anymore and they choose to put their child in a bed or crib? maybe simply choosing to use a pacifier or using a plastic bottle instead of a glass bottle has brought about this onslaught of unsolicited advice from many.


I've noticed is that it happens mostly in the Attachment Parenting circles, I've really noticed it- attachment parents are really great in so many ways but they can also be the biggest judgmental busy bodies. They even attack each other if they're not entirely the same! Which was why I ditched it and simply decided to raise my kids as gently and conscientiously as possible without labels.


Why does this not happen as much in other parenting styles? easy- they're all doing their own thing and not worrying/caring about anyone else. This is the other side of the coin- there's always two sides isn't there?


Having a sense of community is really important too. Sometimes it's the difference between a life long mistake and if someone knows they are right beyond a doubt and that fact is critical then in those situations no message is too strong but really- if a woman finds breastfeeding extremely unpleasant- it's her body and her baby and if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy- better to have a happy relaxed bottle feeding mama than a miserable tense and possibly depressed mama. She could even use donor milk if someone stopped judging her for a moment and offered her theirs..


What about correcting a child, or getting them to help around the house or rectify a mistake they made? 

 I see it every time I log into social media. A kid will have done something or is having a problem and someone (often me) will make a suggestion that involves the child helping to make things right/ be part of the solution.. and no sooner has the suggester hit the enter button than some wilting violet will chime in and say "I'd be reluctant to do that in case they thought I was punishing/shaming them!!" and I think to myself *head desk*


YES! YES! IF I was saying stand over them and growl and have a face that looked like thunder then YES it WOULD make them feel like I was punishing and shaming them but THAT is NOT what has been suggested!!


Not only is this person obviously too afraid of screwing their kid up to ask them to help make things right (which by the way is the only way I know of to get them to realize their mistake without punishing them or making them feel bad) but they then PUSH that fear onto other parents!


The parents who receive this fear then are too afraid to make a decision and while opting not to do anything IS VALID and sometimes crucial (toddler wet their pants for example) it is also OKAY to ask that toddler "oh dear, never mind sweetheart please go and put those wet pants in the wash and get me another pair so I can help you put them back on while I clean the floor" see the difference? low key, nothing to forgive.. just matter of fact gentle and seamless parenting.


Also the other rather major problem to never getting your kids to do anything is pretty obvious- an entitled, selfish individual who even if they wanted to doesn't know how to take care of themselves as an adult, nor can they take responsibility for their actions or correct their mistakes.. why? because they never learned when it was safe to do so. Once an adult it's hard to learn this because no one realizes your only learning they expect you to already know which creates an infantile adult who is also probably deeply unhappy because they think no one likes them because everyone is annoyed with them all the time.


It is NOT our job to "toughen them up to survive in a cruel world" but it IS our job to teach them how to survive in the real world and how to be strong, self determining, responsible active participants in their world.


And it can only be done by letting them experience LIFE and LEARNING from their mistakes. Correcting or teaching a child can be done without scarring them. It's all in How it is done, in the tone of you the parents voice, in the look on your face, in your soft, open hands and your smile, your willing to help them make things right and when things are finished praising them for making it all better- children LOVE to be the solution! They are then the HERO.


There's no need for this parental paralysis, your child isn't going to read between the lines if your gentle with them, they're intelligent not neurotic. give them some credit. and perhaps even more importantly give YOURSELF some credit.