A progress report.

Since really beginning my journey into gentle parenting there have been struggles, triumphs, good days, bad days and just.. in-between days..

Today (and the previous three days) has been a really good example for watching how gentle parenting works. OH MY! where to start.. the beginning I guess..


It was early Wednesday morning and by early I mean 2AM. Edison came to our room and said he had a bad dream and there were monsters going to get mummy. We let him in and gave him lots of reassurance and I tried to go back to sleep. But now Edisons movements had disturbed Kicky; which was bad because he decided he was UP! and no amount of nursing and cuddling convinced him it was still dark and time for sleep. So at about 3:30AM after failing repeatedly and disturbing everyone in the process I got up with Kick. He was very actively playing and eating until about 5:45AM when he nursed to sleep.

I tried to go back to bed but MC had to go to work so instead the added movement and noise provoked Edison and then HE was up and wanted breakfast and attention and to play with mama.

I felt grumpy, tired and pretty desperate to go back to bed but he wouldn't have any of it. So I had to look beyond myself. And I extended myself lovingly and we watered our garden, made the mid morning snack ready for later so we would just have to pull it out of the fridge and we played with Edison's toys. And I found myself really just enjoying being with him. It didn't matter anymore that I had been up far too early already.

Kicky woke around 7:45 and was pretty fragile at first and needed me to hold and reassure him for the better part of an hour. So abandoning the house work we cuddled together on the sofa and read books. Edison is getting really good now at recognizing words, despite never being drilled over his letters or reading. We read until it was time to go for our walk and then I put on our baby carrier and we made our way out the door. As we had already made a mid morning snack we didn't need any fruit that day so instead we pretended to be trains on a small segment of old train tracks that haven't been used in decades.

That first day of extension continued much in that fashion, the boys needed something and I met that need. They both slept during the day at some point but not together so I was disappointed that I couldn't nap too but instead of growling about it I focused on enjoying the time as one on one with the awake child..

And when they finally went down and I could sleep I went to bed straight away too- Only to be woken at around 3:30 and start my day like the first again. The day played out much like the previous except I also did all the catch up house work and we walked to the supermarket. and the next day was the same.

But I noticed something different each time this happened and I resisted getting angry about it- I found myself extending without thinking about it, like this was a muscle I was just learning to use. I was more sleep deprived and tired than the time before each time they did this but it was easier for me to not be upset about it. And I enjoyed my early morning with the awake baby and then put him back to bed only to be joined by my 3 and a half year old and it was easy to be with him.

Then Today happened, same as the other days I was up well before the sun and then baby went back to bed. I watched the sun rise with Edison, the golden range light shining on his reddish hair and we fed all our pets. I played make believe and he told me stories and we cooked everyone breakfast as they joined us and something had changed again- I was happy to be up I couldn't have imagined still being asleep and missing out on this time of the day.

We (MC. the boys and myself) went on an hour long drive to Port Adelaide to enjoy a Dolphin tour. Kicky was easy going and happy to look around but Edison was so excited that he imploded and wanted nothing more than to climb all over the outside of the boat or to jump overboard and go swimming! MC had him at that point and was feeling quite overwhelmed because Edison decided to start screaming randomly and trying to get away. Which was against the rules- all children had to be right next to an adult at all times. 15 minutes in and we swapped kids.

I then spent the cruise down the harbor alternating between distracting Edison or reassuring him as he screamed in my arms because he wanted to do something dangerous. At the furthest point down the river, right before the boat turned around I was at the front lowest deck with lots of people watching me. It didn't matter, I wasn't flustered or angry. I had never felt so calm in a situation like this before, I felt no pressure to "shut him up" or to "smack him one" though a couple people gave me glances that very much mirrored this and they watched to see what I would do. One grandmother had said "I don't judge people who smack their kids or who don't like maybe I needed permission to do it and so I told her simply there was no need and that spanking didn't work for my child. And she said "it's all well and good to say smacking is wrong but what the heck do we do if we can't smack to get the behavior to stop!? I looked into her face as kindly as I could and said "bring them closer than close, we reconnect, then we communicate what the problem is, cooperate if possible to resolve the problem or I hold them and reassure them until they let out all their frustration that sometimes we just can't have what we want. By now I had more than a dozen eyes on me, overhearing it seemed despite the loud noise making three year old. The expression was "yeah right" the next bit happened quickly and lasted about 4 minutes in total:

Knowing they were watching didn't phase me. I just kept affirming Edison. He screamed: "I'm here" I responded, he growled and tried to get away "It's okay you can be angry about this, later I will let you climb something that is safe" he screamed again I responded "I love you, even when you're unlovable" he turned in and cried for a few minutes. I held him, was present and reassuring that I would always choose him, no matter what he was doing. His tears eventually stopped. And we saw some dolphins lazily swimming slowly in the water and went back to where MC was struggling to keep kicky entertained. We sat together and enjoyed the last of the tour, I got an ice block for both children and didn't worry about the previous behavior. It was over. The past. I wasn't going to keep a record of wrongs and say "this is because you asked so nicely" or something similar, I've never been one to use food for reward or punishment. I just got it because he asked and I could afford one.

The tour ended. We had a good time. And we had also shown other people it was possible to get desired behavior without bribing and without punishing. By the time we left the eyes that had watched me on the lower deck were on our family again as we stepped ashore, they weren't judging eyes. They were inspired. And I was quiet inside, no storm brewing, just contemplative. We went to visit MC's mother and brothers stayed a while and went home. And not once did I feel angry with my children. I felt free.