But often enough the cause of so called poor behavior and the duration of exhibition are entirely our own interpretation of how children should act and our reaction to the behavior will either exacerbate the situation or De-escalate it.
So what do I personally do when my cherubs are acting like wailing Banshees?
One of the first things I do when a child is exhibiting behavior that is striking a nerve is LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS!
I ask myself the following questions. Regularly.
Are they being challenging? Or are they simply acting their age?
Five year olds make annoying noises, talk back, touch cool looking stuff that isn't theirs, sometimes pick their nose and forget to wipe their butt properly- deal with it. After all the only adult in the relationship is the parent or carer. Address it calmly and help them make things right- without having a tantrum or raking them over the coals.
Are they being rude by not hugging a visitor? Do I have a right to be "embarrassed" by their resistance OR am I forcing intimacy between children and someone they don't know very well?
or even someone they do know well?
It's their body and their personal space. As a person they have every right to decide who comes into their personal space and who does not- it's their body and their decision. Age has nothing to do with consent to physical contact. This is how people keep themselves safe regardless of how big or small they are and the smaller you are the more intimidating someone being in your personal space is.
A really good way to experience exactly how intimidating proximity to others is for children is to draw circles within circles like a target, each circle represents a relationship- the outer circle is for acquaintances (relatives your child has never met or does not see regularly are still only an acquaintance. Blood means absolutely nothing to a small child)
The next circle is for known friends and relatives and children are more likely to be comfortable with hugs (but don't expect them to, sometimes there is a good reason your child doesn't want to hug a known person and you probably should ask them how they feel about this person in private) and the third circle is for Mum and Dad and siblings.. Maybe Nannas and Pa's too.
The fourth and final circle is for the child themselves. It's a tiny little space bubble and it is all theirs.
Get into that tiny space and kneel down to the childs level and have another adult walk up to you- you'll find yourself instantly recoiling and uncomfortable with the "crotch to head" level experienced. Hint: kids don't like it either. Please please please respect their personal space the same way you would any one else. This goes for all people. Not just your own kids too. Showing respect for Personal space often will soon have you invited in for hugs and kisses believe it or not!
Saying things without thinking:
Kids have absolutely no filter. They say whatever happens to be in their heads at the time and they repeat words and phrases they have heard at the most inappropriate of times.
If a child starts swearing do you know the best way to make it stop? by point blank IGNORING IT. If you jump up and down and threaten washing their mouth out or grounding etc- the word then suddenly has a lot of value. If you don't even blink then the child will usually stop saying it.
If you really can't resist saying something because it really bothers you take the child aside and tell them very quietly that the word isn't a nice one and we only use nice words with our friends or they might feel bad. If you say something keep it very very low key and once this has been established if they use a bad word ask them simply to choose another word.
Accidents/ mess making/ toy clean up.
Where there are children there is mess. It's that simple. It is appropriate to get the child to help clean it up. But help them so they can learn exactly how to do it. If they have already learned how then it will be easy for them later.
Consider how the accident or mess would be approached if an adult had made it- usually by a laugh followed by "don't even worry about it"
Children do not need to be raked over the coals about an accident either. Just accept their apology in the exact same way and get them to help you clean it up.
Regarding toys this is worthy of note- too many toys out at once overwhelms a young childs brain and makes them feel as though they "don't know where to start" because the toys are just all over the place. If we as parents want our children to clean up their own toys then it's worthwhile to teach them to put away each toy immediately after they play with it so they don't suddenly find themselves surrounded. Yes this takes time. Everything in parenting takes time. Suck it up.
Destructive/violent/ actually inappropriate behavior:
I have found that almost all truly bad behavior comes out of an unmet need and feelings of fear, rejection or disconnect.
If your usually potty learned toddler suddenly starts peeing on your couch on purpose- you may need to look at the rest of your day and do a rewind. Think about what has been happening and what triggered it. What is different? Are you in a bad mood too?
Most often the worst thing we can do about any kind of behavior we don't like is to get emotional about it. Getting emotional leads to yelling at your kids or worse.
If you feel very upset with your children verbalizing it is better than the first option "Son, your actions have made me very upset and I need you to leave me alone for a minute so I don't say something I will regret" go and put yourself in "time out".
Verbalizing it allows you to communicate your feelings and then move yourself away while letting your child know exactly why and gives them a chance to ponder what is wrong. When you feel calmer go back and talk about it with your child.
Be honest but very calm and gentle about the subject. Especially with very young children. remind yourself that they are half your size and maybe even make a hot chocolate and sit down with them to talk about it. Listen to their side of the story as well. A discussion rather than a witch hunt.
And when you are done talking about it there- it's done. There is no need to "fill in" the other parent when they get home or otherwise bring the episode to the light in front of the child. There is no need to have the other parent talk to them about it as well unless it involved the destruction of their things.
Moving on allows the child a fresh start for the day and the chance to have a happy time together. By moving on the child learns about true forgiveness and self control and how to move on from bad experiences in a healthy manner. A manner that addresses the problem but doesn't dwell or punish them for long times. Natural consequences if the actions were very bad will punish them for exactly long enough without our adding to it.
The final thing I am going to say is this Children absorb our emotions. This means if we as parents have a fight in front of them. Display strong negative feelings or behaviors ourselves or otherwise allow ourselves to become overtly stressed- Our children pick up on this and it bothers them immensely.
Unfortunately they have no clue what to do with the stresses they are feeling so they lash out, make messes or get destructive often as a way to release the pressure. If we can simply rewind and find what set them off we can help to make it right without any form on punishment at all. Behavior is a symptom, not the problem itself. There is no such thing as a "bad child". The end.
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