The Art of Listening.

 

After watching a whole lot of Sandy Blackard videos on YouTube and trying to include these techniques into my own pedagogy working with children I've noticed that this "Art Of Listening" carries on farther than just childhood. In fact I feel like I'm about to go on a little bit of a psycho babble here. But bear with me, this is some serious thinking that could change the way we deal with wailing adults forever.

The Art Of listening with Sandy Illustrates how our knee-jerk reaction to tell children about their work/art/activity/feelings is flawed. A child shows us a picture they drew and our immediate reaction is to say "That's beautiful" and if a child hears that long enough then that is what they will ask both as a child and adult "is that pretty?" and seek gratification and validation through that but this is a very eye of the beholder type of thing and not everyone is going to tell them they love it.

Another way that children find very satisfying and need fulfilling is to examine the work and find what THEY like about it. Sandy's example was of a child who drew a picture of a tree and carefully drew in twelve little cherries. You KNOW they like those cherries because they spent time drawing them in. So you would say something along the lines of:

"oh look at what we have here, You've drawn a tree. And you've drawn TWELVE little cherries in. you like those cherries!"

see what that does there? it doesn't matter if I think the cherries in tree is pretty or not responding in this way allows the child to like them. The less I know the better. If I say something and I'm wrong they will correct me. I don't have to give them the answer I can just talk about what I see. 

And then this child is a little bit of a perfectionist and might point out to her:

"but I made a mistake right there" *points to a place on the picture*

The knee jerk reaction to "I made a mistake" is to tell them "oh don't worry it's just fine the way it is" Sandy would discourage saying this because saying this indicates you aren't really listening. It's not fine, the child made a point of showing you the mistake and telling you about it. A more holistic response would be to respond to the mistake being revealed to you with

"oh, you wanted it to be just right and that mistake really bothered you didn't it."

This validates the childs feeling and attitude about the mistake and allows them to process it and come to terms with things "not being perfect" and come out okay on the other side.

So what is a wailing adult? Well.. you know those people who are anxious if things don't go right or who are down or who complaining about something? Or maybe they are a bit of a perfectionist? That is a wailing adult. Wailing adults are no different to a wailing infant. They have an unmet need.

And just like an infant with an unmet need a adult with an unmet need will just keep on at it til either that need is met or they become so disheartened they just shut down. If they do shut down though- that doesn't mean they aren't stressed out of their minds or that they are happy. They simply gave up because no one answered and they cried for too long without an answer. And that builds resentment as well as attributing to chronic anxiety.

The adult version of Cry It Out goes a bit like this:

For myself I will "wail" if I am late. Being late is like an unusual form of torture for me so I will use this as an example

Me: "I'm late for this kids party now! It only goes for two hours and thanks to these kids of mine I couldn't even be on time! I am so stressed; I feel so bad about it!"

The other person's knee-jerk reaction: "it's doesn't matter just show up/it will be fine."

Please don't respond with "it doesn't matter" or "it'll be fine" why? Because it invalidates what the person reaching out to you is telling you. It fails to meet the need and often can make a person feel worse because you are telling them that they shouldn't feel this NORMAL human emotion. Telling me in particular "it'll be fine" makes me want to punch that person in the throat. It's not fine, I'm not "fine" with it. It's put my anxiety up through the roof and I just this moment made a point of telling you so. Clearly I am not "fine" nor am I going to be.

A better way of addressing it is to say something that addresses the emotional need here might be to respond with:

"I can see you're upset by this, you wanted everything to be just right and now you feel like it's all ruined" *wait for response*

Me: "I tried so hard to be on time but then X happened and I got lost and now the damned thing has already started and I feel like I've let *name* down."

"You're a good friend to *name*, I am sure he/she understands that things happen. Why don't you give them a call so they know you haven't forgotten and tell them you're sorry you are running late and will be there as soon as possible?"  

This validates the emotion, offers a possible solution and acknowledges that while I am not perfect I am trying my best. And allows me to move on and complete the task at hand without feeling like a human pressure cooker.

I never really noticed this among adults until I met a lady in her seventies whom I am quite good friends with now. She has perfected this "Art Of Listening" And knows how to De-escalate any situation she comes across. She is amazing. It was because of observing her in her interactions with myself and others that I realized that she was still responding in the same manner as indicated in my studies. With adults. And these people were nourished by such interactions. They calmed down and stopped their wailing and got on with it when they could have just as easily been told "it's fine" and they would have come up with a million reasons for her why it wasn't fine.

A constant complainer can be turned around by asking "However do you manage you poor thing!" and suddenly the response is almost always "well it's not THAT bad.. I do X" and voila.. problem solved and nothing left to complain about unless they wish to venture for more solutions with you

I have been endeavoring to respond like her and to REALLY listen and observe rather than just telling people that it will be okay. And it HAS worked, So if you have a whiny adult in your life give it a go! ask questions or make observations rather than give them an answer and see what happens.

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