When your baby doesn't signal

In the EC communities there is a continuously, infinitely asked question "how do I know when my baby needs to go?"

And it's a very important question for certain and I am going to address it momentarily but first I'm going to tell you how NOT to address it:

PLEASE do not tell the asker of this question

"it's more about the communication than where the poop goes"

While this statement sounds comforting and makes everyone feel better it is 99.99% false. By this I mean don't fret or obsess if you have a miss every now and then or even every day.. but it absolutely does matter where the baby puts their poop/pee most of the time because otherwise by the logic of "it's about the communication not the pottying" One could theoretically NEVER offer the potty and could just cue along while the baby fills their pants every time! No, no, no, no.... it is baby's job to communicate ABOUT doing it- it is YOUR job to communicate about WHERE it should be put.

And anyone who's practiced EC knows that this is simply not the case and would teach them to go in their pants.

Please remember the word before Communication is ELIMINATION you can't make one word "more important" than the other. You're communicating with your baby about where their elimination goes.. not just that they're doing it.

As a EC mentor I am actually in favor of interrupting an eliminating baby if they're going in the incorrect place and putting them in the correct place and acknowledging gently and kindly that they did some on the potty and some in their pants. And interrupting them has shown me time and again that with CONSISTENCY they will learn to only do it on the potty. Where as if you just let them finish and change it then they learn nothing.(please note if you didn't see them doing it there's no point closing the gate after the horse has bolted just change it and tell them "oh you peed/pooped if you tell me next time I can help you potty" interrupting is for catching them in the act)

Basically don't fret but don't allow it to continue either!

Now back to the original FAQ..

the answer is kind of ambiguous because every baby is different. And more importantly is that SOME BABIES DO NOT SIGNAL.

For what ever reason I have found around one in three babes doesn't ever signal or learn to sign their needs. Does this mean we can't EC with them? absolutely no. Of course you can. The communication will however be a lot more one sided (from you only) and you rely instead on timing both generic and your baby's own natural rhythms.

The best way to work out the baby's natural rhythms is to have pen and paper and record the times they peed and pooped over a few days and then go back and look for patterns and periods of time between urinating. Then work off those times.

The EC then evolves as the parent and baby learn to potty, the parent may not be able to define the "signal" but they will eventually recognize when baby needs to go be it a slight facial recognition or a grunty signal.. while other parents will only use the timing until baby begins to talk and that is okay too.

Trying to "wait until you're asked" is not communicating with your baby. It will result in lots of misses. Because babies tend to not have much time between signals (IF they signal) and eliminating. Part of communication is asking them "do you need to go?" by offering the potty even if they seem to be doing nothing. Being proactive about potty opportunities will help re enforce where baby makes potty and also that you are waiting, listening and communicating about their needs. There's no need to always wait until you're asked. Though if baby asks to go you should be very happy about it and immediately offer the potty.

It should be noted that this offering should not be constant or it'll drive baby crazy. Use common sense if you offered the potty and baby peed then wait until it's been at least half an hour to offer again. You may have a miss or you may have dry pants but what you won't have is a baby driven nuts by making life "all potty" as with all aspects of parenting it's about a healthy balance.

So to dot point the question of "how do I know when baby is signalling?"

• no two babies signal exactly the same
• make a record over a few days so you have a base line
• signals take time to learn
• signals evolve as you go
• misses are a fact of EC but should not be encouraged just as much as they should not be punished
• learn from misses- had it been X amount of time between pees or did baby still have some and may require you to have more patience while holding them on the potty a bit longer
• some babies never signal so regularly make a new record to find your new base line to offer the potty at appropriate intervals
• ask your baby if they need to go by making the potty available even if they haven't signalled

Lastly have fun with it! Elimination Communication is about gently, non punitively, communicating with and teaching your child were it's appropriate to eliminate. It's not a competition, it's just a "fact of life" and you're helping your child learn about it just as you help them sleep and eat. If you're stressed and not having fun then something is wrong and you might need to take a break and just go back to the baseline and otherwise not think about it for a few hours. EC really isn't difficult but we can make it hard on ourselves by being too lax or too uptight. Go for balance. Relax.