Calm Down

A few months back I wrote a post on Parenting Paralysis and another on what attachment is. This post is an elaboration of those two posts and has to do with:

• Identifying information that is too extreme at either end of the spectrum (when even the experts take things too far.)
• why we need to take a deep breath and actually EVALUATE the information we are given and acknowledge that often the writer is not a doctor or an educator and merely has an OPINION that they are voicing rather loudly.
• Why we shouldn't sweat the small stuff and when we SHOULD simply leave it out for no other reason than because it's irreversible and will make an impact on the child throughout their entire life (AKA not actually a parenting decision)

So this all started because of a certain blog spamming my timeline to be completely honest. A blog that not only is very "hardline" my way or the high way kind of content but also not even 100% correct.

The writer has no real experience with the subjects they are apparently convinced are harmful (pacifiers are bad, Elimination Communication is bad, baby seats are bad, toilet training conventionally is bad, giving directed activities is bad.. lots and lots "everything is bad" or you shall permanently screw your child up if you do things differently kind of dialogue. No room for compromise)

And the mama's and papa's out there are just gobbling it up like tic-tacs. To make things fair before I started writing this post I made sure to read EVERY blog post on parenting from this individual that I had time for. Most of them left me quite peeved. Worse still I have to listen to those who latch onto every "fad" out there harp on about how marvelous this person is.

How does the writer get so many people on their side? They use words like "respect my baby" and "child-led" and "nature's pacifier" (thumb over pacifier) and other things that sound very hippy dippy and harmonizing but there's nothing truly harmonizing about the messages.

Before I continue I am going to let you know that while the next part of my post may sound very un-crunchy I am a natural crunchy mama with a side of common sense. I had natural births, I nursed for two years and beyond including a 7 month tandem nursing stint before my eldest gave up nursing and am still nursing my two year old. I question vaccines and I am 1, 000, 000% pro-intact. I wear my babies, co-sleep if they want to, practice extended rear facing and we eat 99% whole foods. Yup, I tick the crunchy box.

So here's the message here: common sense, continuing to pick on this writer though others may also agree with them.. I'll go through the listed subjects there are many more but then this would be the longest post ever:

pacifier use: believes it to be bad because the baby "is not in control of his/her sucking needs and the pacifier can be taken away before they are ready or may emotionally damage the child some how

The reality- you cannot force a baby to suck a pacifier. If they do not want a pacifier they will not take one. So if they have a pacifier it's because they LIKE it so no it won't emotionally damage them. As for the "taking it away from them or the baby not having control over their sucking needs how about wording it like this: "if you use a pacifier let the baby decide when and how long they will use it." It gets the same message across and isn't judgmental. If a pacifier helps a parent to cope don't tell them they're wrong.. go all out and buy them some spares!

Elimination Communication: the writer has never done this practice but believes that babies have better things to do than stopping to go potty and that doing this will hinder a baby's learning and developmental milestones and may emotionally damage them.

The reality- more than HALF the world babies never wear a nappy in their lives and are potty trained before age one year. if Elimination Communication was harmful then more than half the world would be seriously screwed up. The writer should stick to what they actually have experience in.

Which also brings us to Conventional Toilet Training where the writer believes that the CHILD should initiate the potty training and be in control of when and where they go potty and when they are done with nappies.

Now since I work in child care, I have to say is the most ridiculous thing ever, Kids very very rarely hold up a sign and say "okay I'm done with nappies I want to use the toilet!" and not everyone WANTS to change nappies until a child is 3-5 years of age!

After speaking to quite a few people in mental health I can ascertain that nobody has been permanently emotionally or mentally damaged by being taught to use the potty at ANY age. So if you want to do the whole "wait til they're ready" thing then good luck but I'll be here with my EC baby all done with nappies before they are walking thank you very much"

Adult Directed Activities: This one is a grey area because as an educator we always give children a choice of three different activities they can do and let them expand on it by themselves and I am all for delight based learning and practice un-schooling with my own children. BUT children DO still need to be able to follow directions every now and then and so having group story times, organized games like Simon Says and some craft ideas and other organized experiences is very important so that the children are exposed to variety (and learn some impulse control). Can't love it til you try it!

The reality- Sorry but children are born vulnerable and ignorant if they knew all they needed to know then they would be born able to care for themselves, children need guidance, as long as children are given the option to sit out if they would prefer and just watch there is nothing wrong with age appropriate adult directed activities. It can be collaborative just don't force the issue.

breastfeeding: They go on about breastfeeding like it's some "holy grail" and people who choose not to breastfeed are inferior or even negligent. While I agree with them that breastfeeding is the normal way to nourish your baby and what babies are born expecting I have got to say this once and for all "Breastfeeding is a PARENTING CHOICE as it affects both the mother and the child. Who the heck are we to decide how a woman will nourish her child. We can give her information (if she's interested if not then seriously just shut up) and we can encourage her to nurse her baby but in the end we (collective we) have absolutely no right to tell her what to do with HER body.

The reality- As long as the parents are loving and attentive the baby will still get everything they need to grow up and become a healthy functioning adult. They may not do quite as well as their nursing counterparts but we have no right to question her. She owes no one an explanation whether it's a medical condition or just that she plain doesn't WANT to and it is unacceptable to ask. Just be a dear and warm a bottle for her.

There are only a few exceptions to the parenting choice rule of thumb and that is when it will affect a person their entire life. CIO, spanking and RIC are all prime examples of this as all are scientifically proven to be TRAUMATIC and cause lasting damage. With CIO and spanking leaving psychological damage and RIC resulting in permanent body alteration, higher cortisol levels, lowered pain thresh hold, interrupts breastfeeding relationships and permanently removes a persons ability to choose for themselves whether or not they wish to have their body altered. Remember MY BODY MY CHOICE it's important.

But even with this exception we have not got the right to harass a parent over it. We should give them the right information, and then shut up (not always easy) because our getting worked up will certainly not change the outcome. And lets face it if the deed is already done our being aggressive will just make the person feel shitty and defensive. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

So why should we be careful about the "experts" we take notice of? because for one they're not always right and two if there's no room for compromise then they move from objectivity to advocacy and that is just bad science.

We've got to do something some time. If we find ourselves stopping and unable to do anything except hold a screaming baby while we try to work out what the heck we CAN do because we're too worried about doing something wrong (parental paralysis) then believe me- it's a cult, a fad.. the bar is not achievable and the information/relationship is toxic. Take a breath, baby won't break if you put them in a baby swing or on an activity mat while you regroup. They are resilient little people. Calm Down.