Caught In The Culture

A fore word:

I've had this "thing" in me forever, but it's been kinda hard to get it out in any way that makes real sense, I understand it in my head but then getting it out into a comprehensible and flowing blog post has been really hard. So I've been drafting this one for a while and asking a few very patient and generous people to read my babbling, to add to my thoughts and to tell me when they just plain don't make any sense! Thank you to: Simone Rodell, Guggie Daly, Tiffany Flax, Susannah Taylor, Kateryn Tan for being my "general public" and reading it and talking with me about it and most especially Leslie Loftis AKA the American Housewife In London whose experience and ability to research I could not do without. This Post would not have made any sense without you all. Thank you.



Onto the Post:



Have you ever noticed how badly everyone wants to belong somewhere?

It starts even before birth. Babies born in different countries sound different when they cry because they spent 9 months inside the womb listening to the accents of those around them and they try to mimic that sound so they fit in.

Then when babies lay in their bouncer or sling or in the arms of their parents they watch facial expressions and they copy these. If you blow raspberries at your baby she/he will often learn to do that pretty quickly too! They repeat words and then phrases, complete with the inflections they have witnessed.

Preschool comes along and the child while on a play date or attending kindergarten will more likely than not see one kid do something and then copy.

School age kids all want to have what the Jones kid has.

High school is full of teens with body piercings, goth clothes, hippy dreadlocks, nerds, geeks and sporty jocks.. why??  They want to belong somewhere. Belonging is part of our Identity. It's so very important. But why do teens do this wanting to belong thing at school? most often because they don't feel they belong where it matters most. At home. Adolescence is physiologically designed for us to find our own path. It's healthy to question and search for something more than the cocoon we have been kept in till this point. But we need to know a place that is safe, that will always be there and can never be taken away.

Children who feel they belong tend to be less likely to conform to any particular "tribe" at school. because they're already part of one. This keeps them safer while out in the big wide world- they won't be as tempted to latch onto anything just because everyone else is doing it.

Pressure to conform feels worse for those who still experience Identity crisis as adults. We join clubs or parenting forums and we let those define us, we live there. Like the Hotel California we may check out any time we like but we may never leave. If we leave then who/what are we.

A great example of getting caught in the culture is Elimination Communication. I say great example because many people seem to drag EC out far longer than necessary. The point of EC is to have a deeper connection with your baby and to help baby do what he cannot yet do for himself. But this ends around 18-20 months, a toddler of this age CAN sit on the potty all by himself when he is needing to go and may only need help with wiping. And possibly a reminder to go before we all get in the car. (this is not saying you should push your child only that you should be consistently moving forward everyone has different expectations of EC but there is also an average for a reason)

Some parents however define themselves by this action "I am an EC parent" so they tend to Identify this as themselves rather than a practice they used to help their baby and they don't want to let it go even if their baby is done because they still need it for their ID.

So how do we avoid this needing to be identified as "something" it's better if we grew up (and better if we can raise our children) knowing that we fitted and belonged in our own families but that isn't always the case or even possible (some mental health issues manifest on their own) If that didn't happen for you the first thing we can do is own ourselves. "I belong to me!" sounds funny at first but it helps. [to thine own self be true. Originally not a hedonist's statement but about having to live with self and consequences.]  

Another if you're a Christian could be "I am accepted in Christ's family and am an heir in Christ!"
[requires a set of standards and a membership/adoption in the body of Christ. One of its big strengths is precisely this: one can belong to something anywhere life might take them, helping them resist whatever pressures they find. ] or something similar.. you get it. Pick somewhere to belong that can never be taken away. It has to be intangible because all the physical can be removed. a footballer can have his legs injured, a home school parent will eventually have no kids to school, hair may fall out and old age attacks the body, but we are still ourselves. No one can take us away from that.

Another thing we can do is invent something that we can do everyday that can evolve as you grow and change. It could be as simple as wearing your hair a certain way or painting your fingernails. Or maybe you could keep a journal or practice your throwing arm, make up some little dance moves or some kind of ritual involving kindness to others. Some of the best things we can do when our time doing something comes to an end is to help others with their journey through I'm sure we've all heard "those who can't do- teach, those who can't teach- teach gym"

Today I challenge you. Look at your life and see where you may be sitting stagnant, could this change? are you happy? does it interfere with your life or is it life giving? there are no easy answers, letting go can be difficult but the answers are simple. We don't have to do a lot of soul searching to know if somethings a problem. we only have to admit it and then change it so it's more appropriate in our lives.

Maybe you're a Dad who hurt his knees and can no longer play football- coach the little leagues or even just be their biggest fan, their cheer squad. The person who will make sure they know they belong and are loved even when they lose.

Getting caught in a culture makes it hard to move on. But if we can't move onto the next step or season then it's actually unhealthy. Life makes natural progressions at all stages and if we cannot progress, if we remain stagnant for too long we suffer and eventually may even die having never fulfilled our full potential.

A season or time is just a place on the map of our lives. Not a way to live. Are you ready?