In parents zeal to take care of their children as well and as gently as possible (and I absolutely applaud all efforts to be kind, loving and attentive parents) there seem to be three groups. But two main ones.
The first group are those who are raising children "This is how I was raised and I'm fine!" and then the pendulum swing of other parents who are too scared of screwing their kid up to actually give them boundaries or teach them any life skills for fear that the child will be irreparably damaged.
Lastly there is that rare group in the middle ground, calmly and gently guiding their child who aren't afraid of their past becoming their childs future and who resist the urge to spank or yell but still provide adequate consequence to actions good or bad for their children to learn or down right tell them what they are doing when that is needed because children don't know unless their parents tell them. There needs to be a lot more of the third group.
I'm writing this post to hopefully help parents to identify any pitfalls they may be accidentally walking into. I hope parents can read this with an open mind and will realize they can lie to me- that doesn't matter. But that they will know because deep down you can't really lie to yourself if something in this post resonates with them so they can make adjustments and help themselves.
Respectful VS Permissive parenting
It's fantastic that parents want to respect their child as a human being. However parents, as human beings also have the right to be respected. It needs to be reciprocal. And when you do have a reciprocal relationship based on respect while you do have problems from time to time because children and parents are people and people are fallible most days go by relatively incident free.
In general I find that behaviors are not the problem but rather a symptom of a problem. If parents are having issues it's usually because the parents haven't been leading a child and that child, being directionless is pushing on until he finds the boundary. When will my parents put their foot down? And he/she will keep on going until you do. There is another option for behavioral issues and that is pathology in which case the parents need to see a specialist to rule out any disorders. But here I'm focusing on neuro-typical children.
There is an enormous difference between respectful parenting and just letting your kid do whatever they want.
An example of permissive parenting might go like this:
Little Johnny a neuro-typical toddler aged three years needs to get dressed to go out to the park and later an appointment. Mother and Johnny will be out all day with no opportunities to come back home until they are done. Mother tells Johnny "It is very cold outside, what are you going to wear?" but Johnny only wants to wear his yellow shorts and thongs. He bats away all his mothers attempts to put his coat on and shouts "no" at her. Mother allows Johnny to wear the clothes he has picked. She tries to pack the warm clothes into his backpack so that when he does get cold she can dress him in them. Johnny screams at her and she stops packing them.
They go into the garage and there is another problem. Johnny doesn't want to get into his car seat. He wants to sit on his mothers lap while she drives.
Mother tries to pick Johnny up and put him in the car seat but he turns into an ironing board. So trying a different tact mother makes a half hearted attempt to explain that little Johnny has to be in his car seat while the car is moving because it isn't safe to sit on her lap. And asks him to get into the car seat. Johnny screams with rage and mother gives up. She tells Johnny that they can't go until he is in his car seat. Johnny begins hitting her because he wants to go to the park.
Mother, worried that she may crush his tender little will, drives to the park with Johnny on her lap.
it might sound ridiculous to most and I have written the example that way on purpose to show the obvious signs of permissive parenting. And rather sadly there actually are parents who have let their child dictate to the point where they don't drive anywhere or they let them sit on their laps (I'm looking at you Britney Spears, Kelsey Grammer and Christina Auguilera).
That same scenario could go like this for the mother if she is in the middle of rebuilding boundaries:
There are actually quite a few options for getting Johnny dressed:
instead of picking from all the clothes available Mother could show Johnny three choices of outfits (one for each year of age) and redirect his attention from the faddy clothing items by telling him what they will be doing at the park- splashing in puddles. Empathize with Johnny if he tries to insist on the shorts and thongs "those clothes are for warmer weather. They look so nice when we go to the beach but right now your feet will get very wet and cold so we will leave them here today. We can take your gumboots instead so you can splash in the puddles" and then move things along swiftly with him distracted.
She could have allowed Johnny his autonomy by letting him choose to wear his shorts and thongs and brought the warmer clothes in the car whether Johnny likes her bringing them or not. Because she knows he will need them and when he screams at her to respond to his screaming with calm words "I'm just bringing them in case you change your mind, please stop screaming at me, I don't like it."
the best way to always get the clothing options you want picked though is: to put all the inappropriate clothes into STORAGE when the seasons change so there are only good choices to pick from- Crisis averted days before it could even happen.
Car seats can be hard if your child doesn't like being in them but you can still pick them up and strap them in regardless of their protest when very young (under 18 months) and tell them you will get them out again as soon as you can. Offer a toy or their comforter of choice.
For older toddlers it might go like this:
They go into the garage and there is another problem. Johnny doesn't want to get into his car seat. He wants to sit on his mothers lap while she drives.
Mother gives a five minute warning "Johnny, in five minutes you will need to get in your car seat" this way Johnny isn't taken by surprise. He may react to this news but the five minutes gives him time to think it through and allows for dialogue- Mother can explain that little Johnny has to be in his car seat while the car is moving because it isn't safe to sit on her lap and the police man will tell them off.
Issuing a challenge "It's time to go to the car- I bet I can beat you there!"
Offering an incentive to get into the car seat: "if you climb into the car seat I can strap you in and we will be on our way to the park. But you have to get in the car seat for me to drive there first"
Increase autonomy by asking them for help: Can you help me by putting your arms in the straps or do you need me to do it? *note there is no option given for not being strapped in the car seat*
If the child still refuses to get in the car: Johnny isn't pleased with this situation and pouts refusing to get into his seat. Mother calmly tells him "there will be no park and puddle jumping until you get into your seat. I will not drive with you on my lap Johnny. I love you too much to risk your life". Johnny screams with rage and mother waits allowing him to express his emotions without getting emotional herself. As he calms down she tells Johnny that they can't go until he is in his car seat. Johnny begins trying to hit her because he wants to go to the park. Mother calmly takes his hands in hers and says "Johnny I won't let you hit me. Can you show me your gentle hands? oh there's a gentle hand"
After this second redirection if the child still refuses to get into the car and traveling is absolutely necessary - mother can and should pick the child up and say "I won't let you do this Johnny, we have to go today. I am going to put you in your car seat now and I will get you out as soon as I can. It's okay to be mad. I'm with you and you're safe. Here we go"- and gently put the child in the car seat, screaming or not communicating each step of the way "I'm going to put your arms in the straps, now I do up the buckle and chest clip. All done."
*If traveling was for recreational purposes then choosing not to go will mean disappointment and the child may quickly change their mind but the parent must absolutely not give into demands that are unsafe.*
Is your toddler stressed out?
When life is unpredictable, no direction is given and their parents are being driven crazy children become very stressed and often they also act out aggressively towards their parents or other children.
They have all this power and no idea how to use or what to use it for and it can make them feel so anxious that things that we as parents didn't even think were "things" can suddenly become near impossible and cause for tears and tantrums or outright aggression because the child isn't ready to be "the boss" they just don't have the experience or neurological development necessary to know what to do.
Imagine walking into a multi-billion dollar organization with no training whatsoever and suddenly being told you're the CEO? you'd just about have a stroke. Yet this is the position we put toddlers in when we don't give them clear boundaries and directions. It's a major disservice to the child.
Piggybacking off adult emotions
Children take all their emotional cues from us as parents with a side of survival instinct. They are the most perceptive beings on the planet- they can smell fear in their parents, it's what helps keep them alive.
When we approach our children feeling terrified that we are going to damage them or anxious because our own experience with something wasn't great we find ourselves unwittingly sabotaging any efforts we make to help our child through the issue.
I really do believe that many people need to heal themselves from their childhood enough that they can look at a situation with a fresh, logical and positive outlook- preferably BEFORE they have children. Though if you're damaged and a parent then what's done is done and healing ourselves is a service we can do for our precious children.We owe it to our children to not still be broken.
It really does help to remember when we are nervous about something that our experience is not necessarily going to be their experience. We can help it to be different. The trick there though is not to go full pendulum swing to the other extreme end of the spectrum. Ah balance!
Put very plainly if something is freaking us out then our children are going to think they need to be freaking out too. So what ever you are trying to do- don't attempt it until you can confidently show your child how to do it without feeling immense fear. Work through any bad feelings, learn much more about the subject and then attempt it with an open mind and calm manner.
How to develop tact and provide direction without force
Tact, is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such as way as they look forward to the trip~ Winston Churchill.
First of all MOST parents fall into permissiveness at some point. Usually due to exhaustion resulting from lack of self care and depression and anxiety are major contributors to making such as mess.
So first of all when fixing such a situation FORGET the things the kid is doing. Just for now. And look at your own day, your schedule, what you are eating and how much sleep you are getting. When was your last shower? HELP YOURSELF.
Put some direction in your day even if you have to write out a plan for the day and go off the clock.
Your plans could look like this for example:
- Have breakfast announce to your child that you're having breakfast and make their breakfast and put it on the table. You've offered food but if they want it then they need to sit down at the table for it and eat with you- make sure you sit down for it and make sure breakfast is more than a cup of coffee.
- After you've had breakfast get in some exercise. A 30 minute walk to see faces. There have been studies finding that seeing faces in the morning first thing actually helps ward off depression. Also it will help put your child in a good mood. (If your child goes to childcare or kindergarten or school you could walk them to school but this post is mostly for stay at home parents with children at home.)
- When you get back play with your child for at least half an hour so they feel well connected and heard.
- Shower
- Clean your house. Your environment absolutely influences how your day runs and the mood you are in. (a very messy house is a big red flag that you may be anxious, depressed or exhausted). Spend 15 minutes tidying every room until you've been in every room or cleaning for an hour.
- Put out a snack. same routine as breakfast. Sit down together to eat it. Calmly. Take your time.
- Do some more playing with your child perhaps read them a book. Half an hour of play.
- Put child down for a nap if they nap during the day
- go to the laundry and put on a load.
- Make a coffee and sit down to drink it. No technology though as that tends to feed depression because it's a socialization trickle when you need a steady steam if you're going to socialize. read something concrete like a magazine or favorite book or phone a friend.
- Clean some more if the house needs it. Mop the floors or vacuum.
- Hang out laundry or put in dryer.
- Get child up and set them up to play
- Make lunch and serve using the table top routine again. While you're making lunch you may also like to do the preparation for the evening meal such as chopping the vegetables and getting the meat out to defrost so that it's quicker when the time comes.
- Run errands if you have them.
- Set child up to play when you get home and begin evening meal cooking. If your child is able you can also involve them in the cooking. All activities are playtime to children and they can actually be useful in the kitchen too.
- begin a solid bedtime routine. Bath, pajamas, wind down with quiet play then bed.
How you word a direction matters:
If a direction is asked as a question then it isn't a direction. It's an option. it invites them to say "no" and if you do ask them if they want to and they say no then you opened yourself up for that one and will have to deal with the outcome either way. So only ask if you're prepared to live with either answer otherwise this is a good way to phrase it:
Example is Johnny toilet learning:
Instead of "johnny are you ready to try on the toilet?" to which Johnny can say no you phrase it:
"Johnny, in five minutes it's time for a toilet try" this provides Johnny with both the information he needs and time to warm up to the idea without setting yourself up for "NO!" even though he is busting and already doing a pee dance.
The child might still say no but you can then talk about why they need to do whatever and also what you will be doing afterward so they have something to look forward to. And give them choices within the activity "would you like to use the toilet or the potty?" "would you like me to help you pull your pants down or can you manage?" "can you climb onto the loo by yourself or shall I get the step?"
When you get to the big moment you issue a challenge and make it fun, it's how they learn. "Can you hear some pee in the potty?" or "I bet I can pee more than you!" often makes for a more cooperative child. If they refuse to go then have an accident a matter of fact "Oh dear, that's because you held it too long" will suffice. And it's the same for anything else you are teaching.
Lastly if all else fails sit them on the loo and distract them with a story or song. If they're already busting being distracted will relax them let the pee out.~ Super Nanny Jo Frost
Take heart
If you've got yourself a really determined and often labelled "Stubborn" child. it isn't going to last forever. Yes you have to provide extra time, supervision and direction without the option to refuse entirely but it will not last forever.
Just make sure that you provide the necessary amount of guidance and direction and keep moving forward. And if you're exhausted and don't feel like you can adult that day- rather than let yourself slip into permissive parenting because it's the path of least resistance get help. Call your mum or a friend or if you're really stuck- childcare. take the day off and recenter so that when the child comes back your cup is full and you can parent effectively.
There is no shame in asking for help. The end
