This post came about after multiple conversations with varying people, about two things firstly how well they believe my children behave (thank you! I happen to agree my children are awesome human beings) and secondly "how do you do it?!?!" which comes back to the same exclamation almost every time- "what do you mean you don't punish?!- how do they learn how to behave?!?!"
So I figured I would write it down here so that next time I am asked I can direct them to this post and then (hopefully) they will understand my logical reasons for teaching the way I do.
Notice that? I said teach.. not parent, punish, discipline.. or any other word that could bring about a negative connotation? I did that on purpose because getting the behavior you want depends solely on what you TEACH your child. Mostly I live my life and they follow my example but when things do get hairy this is my fall back.
To be absolutely clear I am discussing VERY young children (1-7 years) and their behaviors. When children get older and they can REASON better then teaching them will be different again and probably unique to how that individual young adult learns.
Hopefully if you've done the ground work when they are young children you will have adolescents who are reasonable and capable citizens with good decision making skills. And if not then hopefully this may give some ideas as to how to help them.
First of all I am going to describe the difference between a "Team Leader" and a "Boss"I am Using the Dictionary's description of these
BOSS:
noun: boss; plural noun: bosses
1.
a person who is in charge of a worker or organization.
"her boss offered her promotion"
| synonyms: | head, head man/woman, top man/woman, chief, principal, director, president, executive, chief executive, chair, chairperson, chairman, chairwoman, manager, manageress, administrator, leader, superintendent, supervisor, foreman, forewoman, overseer, controller, employer, master, owner, proprietor, patron; More
"he is the boss of a large trading company"
|
a person in control of a group or situation.
"does he see you as a partner, or is he already the boss ?"
| synonyms: | head, head man/woman, top man/woman, chief, principal, director, president, executive, chief executive, chair, chairperson, chairman, chairwoman, manager, manageress, administrator, leader, superintendent, supervisor, foreman, forewoman, overseer, controller, employer, master, owner, proprietor, patron; More
"he is the boss of a large trading company"
|
(in computer gaming) a particularly tough enemy, usually appearing at the end of a section or level.
"the boss characters provide more than enough challenge"
verb
verb: boss; 3rd person present: bosses; past tense: bossed; past participle: bossed; gerund or present participle: bossing
1.
give (someone) orders in a domineering manner.
"you're always bossing us about"
| synonyms: | order about/around, give orders to, dictate to, impose one's will on, lord it over, bully, push around/about, domineer, dominate, ride roughshod over, trample on, try to control, pressurize, browbeat, use strong-arm tactics on;
throw one's weight about/around, call the shots, lay down the law;
|
Some of the very words up there used to describe a boss make you want to balk yourself don't they? Our children are no different. Also I think that as parents when we see the words that a boss as referring to a PARENT does not suit the description. We are not our childrens superior. We are their protector, their provider, their teacher.. BOSS does not suit the role of parent. So we can stop trying to intimidate our children into obedience and subservience now. Thank you.
A team leader or team lead is someone (or in certain cases there may be multiple team leaders) who provides guidance, instruction, direction and leadership to a group of other individuals (the team) for the purpose of achieving a key result or group of aligned results.
A
team member who may not have any
authority over other
members but is appointed on permanent or rotating basis to (1)
represent the team to the next higher
reporting level, (2) make
decisions in the absence of a
consensus, (3) resolve
conflict between
team members, and (4) coordinate team efforts.
So to me a Boss would be someone like the Prime Minister, a police man with the authority to give a fine or a person in a employing position or maybe a slave master. We can't fire our children no matter what they do. So parents are not the boss. they don't fit the description. They do however completely fill every aspect of a team leader.
So what does a team leader do when they have to address an issue with a team member? First they will look back over the negotiated policies that all members helped to put together and remind the team member of the policies they agreed to. They will ask why this was not possible and venture for solutions together.
There is no shouting or blaming. Simply problem solving. In childcare poor behavior is seen as a symptom, NOT the actual problem. FIND the problem and the symptoms will cease.
A child could be hyperactive because they have not been able to run off excessive energy; that is not their fault and a quick trip outside to let them play will fix it. Perhaps some food they are sensitive to was fed to them and they are having a reaction to it by being unable to sit still.. it isn't their fault as a child they have no control what is being offered to them, even if they did ask for it. Because it is the parents job to determine what they will provide as food, the child's job to determine whether or not they will eat it.
Sometimes things are more complicated than this and the older a child gets the more this is the case. A good example of this is a four year old returning home from kindergarten, promptly turning a tap on and spraying people as they walked by with the garden hose. There are a two ways this could be handled
"The Boss" might address it like this:
Boss "CONNIE JONES! TURN THAT WATER OFF RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!"
Connie Jones: "NO!!" *turn the pressure of the water up*
Boss: "Connie YOU HAVE TO THE COUNT OF THREE OR X WILL HAPPEN!"
Connie turns her back keeps the hose out of reach of the boss, sprays another unsuspecting person as she does it, she angrily growls.
The Boss comes and gets Connie. Connie resists, spraying the boss who is already cursing through their teeth. The boss becomes uncontrollably angry and spanks Connie. Connie cries and sulks in a corner, soaking wet and shuts off from the boss. Forgetting why she is there and feels unjustly treated.
Having lost Connie's trust and isolated her emotionally the boss learns nothing more from the incident, but has to deal with Connie as she acts out aggressively and destructively for the rest of the day, Connie even refuses to go to bed. Keeping her carer up even longer and fighting her tooth and nail every step of the way.
The team leader might address it like this:
Team leader: "Connie, can you turn the water off please? it isn't nice to spray people; they might be sad"
Connie: "NO!!" Connie turns inwards to protect her claim on the hose and takes a step backwards accidentally spraying another person and she looks up anxiously at the Team Leader.
Team Leader *remains calm and rejects the adrenaline rush to lose their cool and yell or strike Connie.* Instead they ask "Why can't you turn the tap off Connie?"
Connie: her resolve is breaking and the tears start, she says nothing but the hose is lowered enough that the team leader is able to walk next to her.
Team Leader: From next to Connie it has become apparent that Connie is upset about something and feels it is out of her control, so she is controlling the hose. Because some control is better than none at all.
Seeing this the Team Leader say "okay I can see something is bothering you, I will sit here and wait for you to be ready to talk to me, I won't let you spray people though.. why don't you give those flowers some water huh?"
Connie holds the hose over the flowers and gives them some water. The hose has now become a calm me object
Connie turns the tap off after watering the plants- all by herself and comes to her Team Leader, she is ready.
Team Leader: "are you ready to tell me what is the matter now?"
Connie nods, the tears flow and the words tumble out almost to quickly and garbled with tears to understand "Marley told me I wasn't his friend anymore and that he hates me!!" Connie crumples into a heap and continues to cry.
Team Leader: *carefully picks Connie up and holds her on their knee saying nothing, then the crying stops, Connie has a question*
Connie: "why doesn't he want to be my friend anymore?"
Team Leader: * knowing the relationship between Connie and Marley has always been up and down responds with* "Marley is being a silly boy right now. Do you remember last time he said he wasn't your friend? He lasted a whole hour. Marley loves you, he is just having a hard time right now. Something didn't go his way and it made him grumpy. Do you remember when you told me that you hated me? You were having a bad day but when you were ready you came and said sorry and we were friends again. Marley will too. Would you like to go and play with me? Or maybe we could go and call Marley and see if he's still sad. Maybe he would like to go to the park with us and his mum"
Of Course the Team Leaders scenario took a lot more patience, self control and thought *and writing*.
That is because yelling/threatening/spanking is a quick fix. But like all band aid solutions it doesn't work for long and only masks a symptom. A deep cut under a band aid is still bleeding. It needs to be carefully stitched closed. So does acting out behavior in children.
But because the Team Leader investigated the situation and observed the symptoms they brought the child close and kept them there enabling them to learn more about what was going on. The childs' own personal anguish and they were able to help them. By keeping the line of communication open Connie felt heard, loved and valued. And she became much more cooperative.
Children are smart, when they are talked to like they are a human being and their carer takes the time to RECONNECT in those times of DISCONNECT they short circuit the problem. The child can't put up walls to empathy and patience in the same way they put up walls to anger because they are desperately in need of and WANT their carers reassurance and love.
So rather than grounding, spanking, yelling and having an adult tantrum ourselves which isolates the child further, essentially punishing them for having a problem; We can pull those walls down or even stop them from going up by responding as a reasonable and empathetic being who wants to help, not berate. We can solve the problem together and the behavior becomes more desirable.
Even destroying belongings or hitting, biting or being other forms of "naughty" can be solved with a little thought and observation.
And it is in this way that I do not need to punish my children.
